I’ve stopped feeling sorry for me, and you should too. Two weekends prior, my parents took me to my favourite little town on the NSW east coast for some salt therapy. I caught up with some old friends, made some new ones and I returned home with a fresh new perspective.
In short, my bestie Grace joined me in my little gem for a regular shmegular Sunday sesh: salt, surf and live music. Does it get any better? With my sweaty ass cheeks parked firmly on a cold stool at Flow Bar — the mercury read thirty three. The Tommyhawks fired up their set and I found myself shouting along; “we are the women and we’ll keep on singin!” It was in that moment the penny dropped like a television thrown off an overpass. So. Punk. Rock.
I was so invigorated by Fighting the Times that I knew there was only one thing to do next: head back to that sea salty good stuff. Over or under. Fully committed to the former, we flung our bodies over the rapidly approaching wall of tumbling white wash. As we rose from the surf coughing, spluttering and laughing, I’d realised I’d never felt so alive.
I had been going about my recovery the wrong way this entire time. Up until that point I was so concerned with what was making me sick that I just needed to focus on what I was going to do to get better – or least feel better! F*ck, I feel so stupid looking back at it now. (Actual forehead slap). Like attracts like – I’ve always believed that. Put that good shit out into the world and it will eventually return ten-fold.
So, I’ve stopped feeling sorry for me, and you should too because this queen is making her comeback.
Ps. Some of the references below:
The Flow Bar @ Old Bar is a little secret of mine. If you’re travelling on the east coast and have a few hours to spare, stop by for a surf, a beer and some live music. Thank me later.
The Tommyhawks is an awesome Perth-based band. “Fighting The Times” is one of my current girl power jams. They’ve just released their latest album, so give it some love on spotify.
Three days. It took me THREE DAYS to write this post. Someone who is bed-ridden shouldn’t have much else to do… Right? Wrong. I have been extremely busy… Sleeping.
“Wake me for food and company” is the proverbial post-it note loosely adhered to my forehead. Today my aunt came home early and decided that she would take me to get my nails done. Bless her. So, quick as a flash, I was up. Slipped into a sassy summer dress and some sandals. It only took 45 minutes this time. A new personal best! (Not sarcastic).
With the grace and poise of the queen, I entered my kingdom. The pedicure chair: my thrown, the nail technicians: my handmaidens. One by one, the ladies removed the fire engine polish from my tiny little toes and it took all of my crow’s feet to hold back the tears.
The nailbeds of my bare toes resembled the dark swirling clouds in my nightmares. A sobering reminder that I am too weak to subconsciously lift my feet high enough when walking up stairs. Lift, bang, ouch. Lift, bang, ouch. I walked past the dining room this evening and noticed that my family no longer eagle-eye me when I walk – is this the new normal? (Deeply exhales).
I received my neck and brain CT scan results on Monday. All the major arteries and vessels are A-OK. I was elated, for a second. Then my doctors put their blind folds on, spun around three times and took a shot at the dartboard. Pericarditis caused by a virus I suffered 3 weeks ago. “Might also explain the exhaustion and weakness. Take this. If that doesn’t work, see me next week.” Good sh*t doc.
Ps. I chose turquoise polish today – in case you were wondering.
I love games. Play this one with me.
Q1. Would you rather:
A. Tell the truth and lose, or
B. Lie & win?
Q2. Would you rather:
A. Risk your wellbeing for freedom, or
B. Remain bed-ridden but safe
Q3. Would you rather:
A. Receive normal test results and no diagnosis, or
B. Receive abnormal test results and a diagnosis?
Last night, I told the truth and lost.
I was able to phone a friend for question 2.
Question 3 is the reason I won’t sleep tonight.
Dazed & confused,
I was lying on the hospital bed clutching at my chest, unable to breathe or open my eyes. As I lay there curled up like a tiny little embryo, I thought to myself, this is it — I’m going to die.
Whilst the above is upsetting and a little dramatic, I have suffered through it at least 10 times since Monday. Honestly, I stopped counting at “fake heart attack” number 10 because I “kinda” got sick of pre-empting my own death… Morbid. Apart from the chest pains, I have no energy and I have fainted a few times. My memory of this week is also a little foggy so if I haven’t returned a phone call or message – it’s not my fault!
Yes, yes. Every test possible has returned with next-to-normal results. I’m currently awaiting the results of yesterday’s CT scan of my neck and head, but all that’s going to reveal is that I have a massive brain capable of super-human abilities… sarcastic. In a nutshell, my heart function points towards normal and they’re now looking at my nervous system. Fingers crossed we’re all good there too – but then what’s causing all of this? (Wasabi girl – help?)
“Your results are normal. If your symptoms worsen, come back.” That is what I have been hearing from doctors and nurses at the hospital all week. Whilst they can only do as much as they can for me, it has been very discouraging. My symptoms have remained the same all week with no improvement and no real cause. Thankfully, my Cardiologist sat me down and asked me “Kim, do you believe that there is something wrong?” My reply: “I’m not f*cking crazy. I know that there is something wrong with me.” He nodded. “Right then. Let’s find out what it is.” I’m telling you friends, not all heroes wear capes.
I’m not crazy. I know that there something is wrong with me – what that is, I don’t know yet but I’m going to find out. I’ve learnt one very important lesson this week and that is no matter what the textbooks say, only you know how you feel and you have just got to keep battling, because someone out there is going to believe you. I believe you. My cardiologist will believe you. We’re not crazy. We got you.
Sitting, waiting and wishing for answers,
Ps. If you’ve suffered similar symptoms please do not hesitate to contact me, any help or advice is appreciated.